Just me.

I'm sitting in my p.j.s waiting for the laundry to dry and eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter because...I can. Because it's just me, in my studio apartment and I've already cooked my meal for one. Because I am alone.

Lately I have had this idea or phrase in my head. I guess I better let it out. The words, "I want to grow up with someone, grow older with someone," have been playing and re-playing in my thoughts. It makes me melancholy for a feeling that I've never had. I haven't (in all my romantic relationships) felt the safety of a constant person in my life. Things are usually rocky and unsure. I'm not sure why this pattern has developed for me. There are instances and experiences that I can go on and on about that may have influenced my current state, but I am not interested in digging up the past. I want to live from now and on. In terms of love, I want to feel safe and respected; maybe even taken care of a little bit. These thoughts and feelings have been almost overwhelming in the recent weeks and I am tired of ignoring it. Thank you for letting me use this little vessel to get this off my chest. 

I promise I am not chugging a bottle of wine on my couch, singing Celine's rendition of "All By Myself," at the top of my lungs while force hugging my cat. I am not there...yet.  :) 

Here is the infamous scene from Bridgette Jones' Diary that still makes me laugh -
even on a night like tonight.